Here’s how you shouldn‘t do it.

1. Write things exactly as they happened, in the order in which they happened. Even in a memoir, readers need a dramatic arc, a story, not just a recitation of facts. “But that’s how it happened!” clients have told me. Maybe so, but just because it happened doesn’t mean it needs to be included. Pick and choose the events, thoughts, and people who make your memoir into a coherent story, and discard the rest.
2. No detail is too small. That’s right. No story will get bogged down in the minutae of daily life, will it? Everyone is bound to find every conversation you have absolutely riveting, aren’t they? Um, no. Many of us remember the beginnings of social networks, when we were treated to the particulars of someone’s breakfast menu or the moment they decided to take a nap. There is nothing interesting about the details of anyone’s day. Trust me on this. If you have something interesting to say, say it. Otherwise, leave it out.
3. If it’s interesting to me, it will be interesting to the book-purchasing public. Uh-huh. I’ve noticed that in general the people who live the most interesting lives are not the same ones who go around saying that their life is interesting. Check out your premise with a critique group before you assume that it’s going to capture the world’s attention.
4. Memoir and biography are kind of the same thing. Yeah. Like broccoli and sports cars are kind of the same thing. A biography is a straightforward narrative that does in fact capture an individual’s life in chronological order. It’s generally written about someone who has accomplished many significant things (being president of a country, discovering the cure for cancer, founding an opera company). If that just described you, then go for it. Memoir, on the other hand, follows a theme: a time, relationship, career, or task that was particularly significant and that can be woven into a story arc. If you’re still unclear, take a look at Frederick Buechner’s memoir, The Sacred Journey. In it he says,
   

   Memory is more than a looking back to a time that is no longer; it is a looking out into another kind of time altogether where everything that ever was continues not just to be, but to grow and change with the life that is in it still.

5. This is bound to be a bestseller. Okay, I’m not even going to comment on that one.

So there you have it. Think many more times than twice before attempting a memoir, and then you’ll be … beyond the elements of style!

We all know that there are pros and cons on all sides of the question. But I was extraordinarily impressed with the time one participant took to answer the question in depth—so impressed, in fact, that I asked her permission to repost her comments here. Take them to heart.

I think that one of the most difficult things for authors to grasp is that finishing the writing part of the book is truly only the beginning of their work …

If I may weigh in on this, from the vantage point of someone who is neither author nor publisher nor IndyAuthor, but works with all of the forementioned…

In my experience, the single biggest obstacle that authors have on the road to self-publishing is themselves, period. I have exceedingly few authors who come through my metaphysical doors prepared to be publishers. Most authors get to the point where they type “The End,” and think they’re done; and many feel that, quite bluntly, they shouldn’t have to do anything further. At most, they think that they should have to suffer through editing their work—but most never think about what is truly involved in publishing, which isn’t the same thing as printing.

Moreover, I’ve yet to meet the client that was legacy-published (advance- and royalties-paid author, not subsidy author) who ever felt that their publisher “had done enough for them.” (This is not a criticism of the OP; this is simply a recitation of the sentiment expressed by and large by over 1,000 author-clients, a very large percentage of whom have been legacy-pubbed.) I speculate that this sensation, by the author, generally (not always) comes from a true lack of appreciation for what publishing actually takes, or how much work is involved.

At Booknook.biz, in fact, we’ve been working on a set of documents or tutorials with a lame working title of “So, You Want to Be a Publisher,” which in very broad strokes outlines all the nine bajillion things that a publisher does that an author doesn’t. It’s a long list.

I am asked by clients daily for recommendations for “publicists” and other fantastical creatures to do the work of publicity for their books. I am asked by authors daily to “get their ISBNs” for them, to “pick the cover designer,” to “upload their books for them,” and while we’re at it, can I find them an editor (who works for less than minimum wage), find a $25 cover designer, find royalty-free fonts to replace the expensive fonts they used in their ms (because finding, licensing and downloading fonts is “too hard”), and can they hire someone to send emails to bloggers to get reviews for their books? I am asked not less than five times a day how much an author should price his/her books at; and can I get them a list of the 50 best book bloggers for their genre, or tell them how to get a review at MBR for their ebook, while I’m at it?

This—all of this—is what a publisher does. Researching everything: from traditional publishing to subsidy publishing to indy publishing; buying ISBNs; assigning an imprint name; researching cover design styles, finding a cover designer, negotiating the fees for the cover, finding and licensing art for the cover, finding and licensing fonts for the cover (if the cover designer isn’t doing that) and for the interior; registering the copyright, determining how you will distribute your book (aggregator or yourself, or only in eBook form?), researching the niche/genre and the pricing therefore; learning how to navigate, use and leverage Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, Library Thing; writing press releases, finding review blogs for your genre, deciding whether NetGalley is worth the price, determining whether KDP select is for you, scheduling book tours, virtual and physical—and, oh yes, doing all the accounting, bookkeeping and tax documents yourself.

This is what a publisher does, indy, small imprint or Random House. Far too many authors, in my experience, think of themselves as “artists,” and not as businesspeople. As hobbyists, not commercial enterprises.

Here’s the bottom line: publishing is a business. If you are not prepared to be businesslike about it, and run your book(s) like a small business, you are probably better off using a subsidy press and not doing much—and don’t expect much (because, after all, the vast majority of “subsidy” or “partner” publishers are really just grossly over-compensated printers, and you could do the same thing at Createspace for far less money, and get better distribution).

If you are prepared to put in the blood, sweat and tears—and reap the rewards—then indy publishing is for you.

Now, none of this will make a bad book good; but not doing any of it will certainly help tank a good book. And the part that most miss is that, promotionally-speaking, this is the same work that legacy-pubbed midlisters have to do every day, so the differences in the workload are really quite small.

I know—believe me!—that many authors are very shy people, and cringe at the idea of all of this–but this is what it takes. Self-publishing is indeed, in our lifetimes (as it was in Ben Franklin’s, and Aristotle’s, for that matter) a brave new frontier; but one has to remove the artist’s beret and put on that entrepreneur’s hat. If you can do that, then it’s a fantastic opportunity to do well.

The author of this post is Kimberly Hitchens (“Hitch”), and one of the things she does is produce ebooks. She’s listed as an Amazon Professional Conversion Service and an INScribe Preferred Conversion Partner. Follow Hitch on Twitter as well, and then you’ll be … beyond the elements of style!

Here’s the point of it all: when a publisher posts submission guidelines, they’re not suggestions. They’re not something you might try if you’re not feeling particularly creative today. They’re not even something the publisher dreamed up solely to make your life difficult. There’s actually a pretty good reason that they were written as they were, and following them shows the publisher a number of things:

1. you’re bright enough to follow directions
2. you know how to read
3. you won’t be troublesome down the line as you’re willing to enter the publisher’s turf and play by the publisher’s rules.

Don’t like the guidelines? That’s your right. But move on. Find someone else whose guidelines you do like.

A couple of months ago a colleague and I decided to create a couple of anthologies. Here are the guidelines that we sent out:

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS FOR A HOLIDAY ANTHOLOGY

Imagine your favorite holiday stories. Chances are good the protagonists are a man and a woman, possibly even with children. But where are the stories that feature men together, or women together, that will also warm our hearts at this special season?

That’s where you come in. We’re collecting holiday stories for two anthologies, one featuring male protagonists/couples/families, the other featuring female protagonists/couples/families, and we’d like to hear from you!

Your story should run between 2,000 and 4,000 words, contain no erotica, and be in a winter holiday setting. The only requirement is that it be historical fiction. We’re looking for tomorrow’s classics in time for next year’s holiday season!

Pay will depend on securing a publisher and will be negotiated at that time for accepted stories. Deadline is June 15, 2012, but the earlier, the better. Send Word docs to Jeannine Allard at jeannine@jeannineallard.com.

If you were reading that, you may have picked up on three relevant points. We’re looking for:

• LGBT stories
• historical fiction
• winter themes

I didn’t think it was that difficult to read. But I got deluged with stories about cousins, pets, grandmothers, and straight couples. Stories that were situated in the future or on another planet. Stories written by people who clearly hadn’t even bothered to read the entire call for submissions, but who just sent whatever they had on hand.

It was all a little insulting. A waste of my time (because I am courteous enough to read the stuff and respond to it) and a waste of the writer’s time, as well.

So that was me, one time. I can only imagine what acquisitions editors or literary journal editors must be thinking when these things cross their desks day after day after day. And I can guarantee that none of it is complimentary to the writer.

Do you really want to shoot your literary career in its metaphorical foot? Do you really want your name to be associated with slapdash work, with not being cooperative, with being difficult? Listen, it’s hard enough to get published as it is. Do you really want to make it that much harder?

Trust me: they’re not going to discover your fine literary talent hidden in the midst of your inappropriate submission. It isn’t going to happen. So consider going back to basics: read the call for submissions, submit exactly what they ask you for, no more and no less, and behave like a professional. And then you’ll be … beyond the elements of style!

The first book will be out in early 2013.

I wrote the proposal for this series nearly ten years ago, which goes to show that perseverence can indeed win out in the end. Remember that, and you’ll be … beyond the elements of style!

Here’s the full call for submissions:

Imagine your favorite holiday stories. Chances are good the protagonists are a man and a woman, possibly even with children. But where are the stories that feature men together, or women together, that will also warm our hearts at this special season? Are there no gay Christmas tales?

That’s where you come in. We’re collecting holiday stories for two anthologies, one featuring male protagonists/couples/families, the other featuring female protagonists/couples/families, and we’d like to hear from you!

Your story should run between 2,000 and 4,000 words, contain no erotica, and be in a winter holiday setting. The only requirement is that it be historical fiction. We’re looking for tomorrow’s classics in time for next year’s holiday season!

Pay will depend on securing a publisher and will be negotiated at that time for accepted stories. Deadline is June 15, 2012, but the earlier, the better. Send Word docs to Jeannine Allard at jeannine@jeannineallard.com.

So there it is. If you’re gay, you know that the community needs more of these stories. If you’re not gay, then see how you can stretch your imagination … being able to put oneself in someone else’s experience is at the core of great fiction!

Try it out today, and you’ll be … beyond the elements of style!